sometimes when im not sure exactly what to think about or write about or im not exactly sure who i am, which is a common theme in my brain pretty much all the time, i like using questionnaires. i have books of them. of prompting questions i was supposed to fill out and find out more about myself and record memories i have, but i did some of them and never finished. i like listography, and lists of my favorite things (or least favorite things). here is a questionnaire for deeper self-reflection. if you dont know what to do some time and youre bored try one of these.
1. Something I thought about a lot as a child was…
god. i loved him, i imagined him, i sang to him all the time, whatever was on my mind. things i thought about him. i also remember thinking a lot about the devil and not understanding how he could have been so full of himself that he would actually rise up against god and be thrown out of heaven. i couldnt understand. it used to actually make my mind race in bed and i remember saying things to him ( i dont know if thats bad ) like, “how could you do this? why would you do this? how could you be against such a loving god. how could destroying people and their lives be better than living in the presence of god?” it would literally bind me up inside i was so angry at him. i thought he would hear me ranting at him all the time and he would change his mind. i thought i could make him stop if i talked to him enough about it. i thought i could reason with him.
2. One thing I’ve always wished for is…
to be ariel. and later in life it has evolved more into a desire to be ariel in a musical production. its actually on my bucket list.
3. If I received $10,000 that I HAD to spend on myself, I would…
visit france. buy my dream acoustic guitar. buy a good mic preamp and a lot of fun toys for recording. a stand for my mixing board. an op-1. an organelle by critter & guitari. more guitar pedals. more recording mics. the perfect electric guitar amp. mics to mic that guitar amp. everything i need to complete my home recording setup. good monitoring speakers. a roland jupiter 80 keyboard. a 1980’s cabriolet and a paint job for it so it can be any color i want. i probably spent all my money by now. a new kitchen. oops too late i spent all my money.
4. One thing I know I need to work on is…
productivity and purging so i only have the things i need and the things that bring me joy. enjoying silence and solitude. thats three or four things.
5. I’m most proud that I…
did roller derby for as long as i did and started ballet classes. and last month i ran over 60 miles. and that was a really really really big deal to me. and i plan to reach 75 this month.
6. In the next year, I really want to…
run at least a half marathon. have my studio relatively complete and record another album. be playing part-time in a band. perform in a ballet recital. be in the best physical condition i have ever been in. build a kitchen from scratch. eat cleaner like i used to :/
7. If I could ask any person just one thing, it would be ____ and I would ask…
i literally dont have an answer for this. i cant think of one person or thing i want to ask them. i hate this question for some reason. actually, i always hate this question.
8. A silver lining in a not so good situation that happened recently is…
uuuhhhhh this isnt something that seems to happen in my life 😉
9. The skill I’ve always wanted to have is…
being a ballerina and a builder/carpenter. OH and a coder/developer. and a seamstress (i really want to make bras and bathing suits and raglan tshirts and ringer tshirts) and an upholsterer. i want to be able to build a chesterfield sofa. and pan for gold. and be a killer pianist.
10. A sentence that stopped me in my tracks and changed my outlook was…
“the man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones” - confucius
11. The ways I’ve grown over the past 5 years are…
somehow i found some sort of inner strength to press on and lift my head off my pillow through some pretty terrible situations. also, i have learned to lower my expectations for myself and allow myself more grace. i have learned to focus on smaller goals/changes that will contribute to life change over time rather than beating myself up for missing my own mark. i have learned to praise myself for very small victories.
12. Something I’d like to achieve one day is…
um, refer to #9
13. The best bit of advice I could give to a younger me is…
gurl. srsly. learn how to be alone. like 100% alone on your own alone.
14. A book that I always re-read is _____, because…
mere christianity. because it is always good.
15. One thing I’ll never regret is ______, because…
having babies because they are the best people ever and they give me a purpose.
16. The quality I admire most in others is…
only speaking well of others. i only know one or two of these people and they are champions to me.
17. If I could be a go-to person for anything, it would be…
hospitality/food and a peaceful place to sit and rest. good coffee. a listening, non-judgemental ear.
18. If I could go to any point in the past or future, I would…
go back to high school and be a better version of myself.
19. The thing that I’m most afraid to tell people is…
that i am hurting. that i am not strong. that i am an extremely sad person.
20. The thing that I’m most thankful for is…
music and the ability to create it.
21. When people first meet me, I hope they feel…
comfortable and welcome
22. Something that I’d love to do today (that I can easily do!) is…
well seeing as its 11:10 i would love to go to bed. i can do that relatively easily.